Thursday, September 21, 2017

I PICKED A GOLDEN DAFFODIL

I picked a golden daffodil from the ground. I couldn't snap the stem because it was gold, but pulled it out by it's golden roots. I figured Midas must have skipped through here years ago on that ill fated day and brushed past this daffodil. At the hock shop, the scumbag behind the counter looked sceptical about my theory. "An original Midas touched daffodil? I don't know. I could give you 50 bucks."

Monday, September 11, 2017

THE CAT BEGAN TO BITE IT'S FOOT OFF

The cat began to bite it's foot off and couldn't stop. It swallowed it's leg and up onto its torso and soon it had eaten itself completely and disappeared into thin air. Yet it could feel itself there spiritually. It floated over to it's food dish and attempted to cry, but with no throat and no tongue, it emitted no sound. And it computed that with with no teeth and no tongue and no mouth it wouldn't be able to eat anyway. The cat thought about this. If eating and being petted were no longer an option, perhaps now was the time to enrol in that transcendental meditation course at the community centre.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

CRUMPLED PAPER

Crumpled paper in the bottom of my bag. I unfold it and it appears to be a treasure map that leads to a pot of cancer cures at the end of a rainbow. I really like treasure hunts, but I make my living selling expensive cancer treatments and if there are multiple cures for cancer in a pot somewhere at the end of a rainbow I want to be at the other end. If it was proven that I was right there in proximity to the cures and didn't get them scooped up and revealed to the world, or worse still, buried them under a big, big rock, well, it would be bad for PR.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

A TINY FRACTION OF THE BRAIN POWER OF AN OSTRICH

A tiny fraction of the brain power of an ostrich could be used to power a reactor that could harness the pure power of the sea and make great tsunami waves at will and cure them of their waviness at the drop of a beret also. All of the worlds material, physical problems could be solved by harnessing this power, but unfortunately the ostrich just cannot spare this tiny fraction of brain power. The ostrich has a lot of things on it's mind and feels it might be very close to a breakthrough.

Monday, September 4, 2017

DRINKING FROM THE CUP OF LIFE

Drinking from the cup of life, I gulp down it's torrid blue waters, they course and make waves inside me, my organs become great ships harried by the storm, tiny pieces of membrane try to man the rafts and keep the oars in place and it's havoc with this wild wind making the territory go upside down but they are hardy sailors and soon calm is restored and the life giving nutrients flow placid and glowing through me and I walk upright and pulsing with virility.

Friday, September 1, 2017

MY FUNKY BOOM BOX

My funky boom box sprouted arms and legs and starting making for my best tapes to eat 'em up. I hadn't played a tape on that sucker in like 7 years, cause I know that shit eats tapes, and obviously the box had got hungry and resentful and pent up angry and decided to take matters in it's own hands. But fuck that. I dived in front of the tape stash and stared the box right in it's tuning dial. "You not getting any closer, box", I said real cold, "or you gonna get your antenna snatched off." The box lunged and it's strength was terrifying. We were rolling around on the floor, tapes skidding all over, it's tape compartment flapping open and closed, smacking me in the face, it's power cable whipping me like a devils tail.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

LAZY SHEEP SIT AROUND ON BANANA LOUNGES

Lazy sheep sit around on banana lounges all day smoking cigars while eating cornflakes. They never take their sunglasses off. They get on their chunky-ass 1987 mobile phones and bitch to other lazy sheep in the neighbourhood about how the grass just ain't no good no more, and they're too lazy to even go in the swimming pool. Of course, there are alligators in the swimming pool, so maybe it's not just laziness, maybe it's common sense. Maybe I need to give these lazy sheep more credit and stop peering over the fence like the guy in tool time and mind my own business.